By: Rae Cook
Diversity and Inclusion, even within the small realm of Jews in America, have been constrained for decades by our human desire for “boxes” or categories. People are black, white, LGBTQ, straight, conservative, liberal, religious or not, and of course Jewish and non-Jewish, Sephardic, German, Ashkenazi, Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, universalist, or Independent, and born Jewish or a convert to Judaism. What we’ve found is that none of us is truly only one thing or the other, but in many ways, we Jews and others exist along a spectrum, at times with surprising variations. We cannot represent every place along the spectrum in this short article, but here is a good beginning on understanding ourselves today in Delaware through stories from a group of fascinating Delaware neighbors.
Family Background Spectrum
On the education and experience spectrum, we Jews range from backgrounds in Jewish day schools and overnight camps to almost no contact with other Jews and little to no Jewish education. Hallie Ciarlone and Ann Osman, Jewish day school grads, read Hebrew fluently and understand our holidays well, and Ann Osman, in her seventies and raised in an observant household, just chanted Torah for the first time since she was 13 years old. Rose Muravchick’s grandfather, who emigrated to the US as a teenager, operated Kosher-style hotels in Miami and New York’s Borscht-Belt, but her home life was not particularly religious. Hallie’s husband, Mark, grew up in Bucks County, Pennsylvania, had very little Jewish experience, and was bar mitzvah, one of very few in Bucks County at the time. More on Rose’s family in a moment.
Jewish Geography
In our American past, Jews have divided themselves into German, Ashkenazi, and Sephardic Jews. But there are Jews in our synagogue, Temple Beth El, who see themselves as Puerto Rican Jews, Israeli Jews, and American Jews, with little “feel” for the three historical gold standards for dividing up Jews according to Central Europe, Eastern Europe, and Middle Eastern origins.
Hallie Ciarlone says that defining Jews is a work in process. Even though Hallie provides a wide range of experiences for her children, she is glad to come to Temple Beth El so that her children can have Jewish friends. Rose. Muravchick identifies herself as an American Jew, with an emphasis on being an American first, given that her family can trace its origins in this country on both sides back several generations.
We can all research our family ancestries with ease now, despite the disappointing results most Ashkenazi Jews get from consumer products like 23andMe. News from 23andMe: “You’re Jewish!” Some Jews therefore find the results of testing might not change anything, but non-Jews, including a Mexican friend and a Swedish acquaintance of mine, are surprised to find that a substantial part of their genetic heritage is Jewish.
Interfaith partners/spouses, parents and grandparents
Rose Muravchick, Nick Harris, and their son, Yosi, are vibrant members of Temple Beth El. Rose and Nick met in graduate school where Rose, born Jewish and raised in a secular home and Conservative synagogue, earned her Ph.D. in Religious Studies with a focus on Islam and Christianity and her husband, Nick—born to a devout Catholic mother in South Dakota—earned his Master’s Degree in Near Eastern Languages and Cultures. Rose had a long history of detachment from Jewish education and Jewish groups. Years later, their interesting homelife now includes weekly Shabbat dinners, blessings, challah making, and Sephardic Jewish cooking . . . by her husband, and that is when he is not teaching their son Hebrew or serving as a Hebrew instructor for other children at Temple Beth El. Rose said that her non-Jewish husband is the leader of their family’s learning about their Jewish heritage, and Rose is very active in helping Temple Beth El.
A recent Shabbat service included several new member families at Temple Beth El with Black spouses. Do not assume a Black spouse is a recent Jewish convert or a non-Jew. Several Black spouses at TBE are second and third generation Jews, or more in the case of our Ethiopia-born members, dedicated to Judaism long before they met their Jewish husbands.
Minority Sexual Orientation as a Subcommunity of Jews
Ivy Harlev, Chief Executive Officer of the Siegel JCC or “the J,” has a passion for the J community and the communities within that community. Ivy is married to another woman, and they have raised two children (now 22 and 24) in the JCC and surrounding community.
Ivy’s first message to all those she meets is “Connect with whatever community fits you. You need that community to feed your soul and to make the world a better place.” You need somebody besides your family, and the JCC is designed to provide that opportunity to everyone. Ivy’s second message to families of all kinds is to be kind and respectful, making a few valuable suggestions for showing respect:
- Recognize that your greatest and possibly most effective allies can be non-Jewish members, both at the JCC and in our society.
- If you are sincerely curious about sexual orientation or other differences, don’t just start asking questions. Harlev suggests that we first ask others, “Are you open to my asking you questions?” If they say yes, then kindly ask. If they say no, then they are not open at that time. However, Harlev still suggests that we all be bold and curious about differences, because we will discover how many similarities and shared values we have.
At the J, members and non-members are all welcome to find a space and place to meet and get to know others outside of their chosen group.
Ms. Harlev also addressed other difficult differences in politics and world views. In many of our families and her JCC members, there are seemingly implacable differences within and across families, resulting in hurt feelings, damaging fights, and even estrangement. Harlev wants us to view these folks with extremely different views from ours as not “anti-me” and, more importantly with family members, with love even though we disagree with them. And, if we look closely enough, we may find values in common. Ivy said she and her staff feel so fortunate to have jobs that improve the quality of many diverse people’s lives through blending communities and providing a welcoming home to all.
Similar to Black and Hispanic communities, Jews cannot be assumed to be only progressives. Arlene Johnson and Nellie Forwood, Temple Beth El co-presidents, stand firmly on no politics in the synagogue due to the wide range of political beliefs among the congregants and their desire to have TBE respect everyone’s point of view. Johnson says that “we don’t know people well enough to put labels on them” and that all of us should read and listen more widely and never berate others. She reminds us that “what is small to some people is big to others,” and we can learn more by asking questions such as “How did you come to have that point of view?” Forwood adds, “Practice the updated Golden Rule” of ‘Do unto others as they would have you do unto them,’ and the modern view is to read this dictum as listen and learn about their viewpoints. Rabbi Beals at Temple Beth El has publicly stood for no politics from his bimah but be curious and share our “backstories.”
Jewish Self-Love and Hate
Along the spectrum of Jewish self-love, we have all seen the full range of intense Jewish self-love to neutral feelings to indifference to dislike of their own Judaism. But, quoting Joshua Hoffman, head of the Future of Jewish organization and author of Reimagining Israel, The Future of Jewish, and Journeys of the Jewish Spirit, “. . . throughout our 4,000-year history, non-Jewish societies have always made it abundantly clear: A Jew is a Jew is a Jew.” Jewish Love/Hate plays out in social media; some Instagram posts continually extol the worldwide contributions of the Jewish people, while other social media posts vilify us.
But what if one individual courageously takes what seems to be an ordinary step toward addressing hatred one on one? Featured in 2009 in the New York Times, there is the true story of Rabbi Michael Weisser in Lincoln, Nebraska and how he bonded with a KKK leader there.
One Sunday morning, a few days after they had moved into their new house in Nebraska, the phone rang. The man on the other end of the line called Rabbi Weisser “Jew boy” and told him he would be sorry he had moved in. Two days later, a thick package of anti-black, antisemitic pamphlets arrived in the mail, including an unsigned card that read, “The KKK is watching you, scum.”
The messages were from disabled and wheelchair-bound Larry Trapp, at that time the Grand Dragon of the White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan in Nebraska.
Rabbi Weisser, who suspected the person threatening him was Mr. Trapp, got Trapp’s telephone number and started leaving messages on the answering machine. He explained, “I would say things like: ‘Larry, there’s a lot of love out there. You’re not getting any of it. Don’t you want some?’ And hang up. And, ‘Larry, why do you love the Nazis so much? They’d have killed you first because you’re disabled.’ And hang up. I did it once a week.”
Rabbi Weisser also made an offer: ‘I heard you’re disabled. I thought you might need a ride to the grocery store.” Months later, Mr. Trapp called the Rabbi back, and he said, “I want to get out of what I’m doing and I don’t know how.” Rabbi Weisser proved to be a formidable source for change for a confirmed antisemite, via compassion and perseverance.
Ivy Harlev at the “J” also says, try kindness. As Arlene Johnson at TBE says, try to learn and understand the spectrum of thought and feelings. Nellie Forwood adds the need to teach and practice tolerance.
The Future for The Jewish Spectrum
The consensus from this selection “along the spectrum” about their Jewish family lives was that the definition of a family will expand naturally, and asking each other questions to start conversations is a great step. Wide diversity in our community will be redefined as the norm, to quote Dr. Muravchick. Hallie Ciarlone, and Ivy Harlev added that being part of a Jewish community is vital, either at a synagogue like Temple Beth El’s or at a Jewish community center. Perhaps our huge variety of Jews is another factor in our long, long success as a people.
Author Joshua Hoffman makes the point that, especially in these tumultuous times, we need to function as a whole, no matter where we define ourselves, with respect for one another, and we need to unite courageously.
5 Steps Toward Embracing the Spectrum of Jewish Heritage
- Redefine Jews (and all people) as a spectrum, not as “boxes” or categories, and as a work in process
- See the wide Jewish family spectrum as the norm rather than the exception
- Explore and update your beliefs and assumptions often, not just about families but even your long-held loyalties and associations
- Find your own community but be interested in other communities and subcommunities
- Let’s honor the whole range of family stories and our need for each other
RAE COOK studied bilingualism, linguistics, Spanish, and speech therapy, but came into communication consulting work at the Wharton School, University of Pennsylvania and fell in love with coaching corporate and technical leaders’ communications. She is published in the USA and Japan in academic and technical journals on how technical and international leaders can be understood and influential. After selling her consulting business, Rae mainly writes about technical communications and about our Jewish community as a volunteer at Temple Beth El. Her professional goal is to finish a practical book on communication skills.
Rae went to folkshul, learned Yiddish and a little Hebrew, and now still, at 69 years old, has to do the Di Fir Kashes (“Four questions”) in Yiddish at Passover! Her personal goal is to find out as much as she can about the Jewish community and to share the high points with the rest of Delaware’s Jews.
