RABBI PEGGY DEPROPHETIS Congregation Beth Sholom Dover Disclaimer: I serve a synagogue affiliated with the Conservative movement which, at the moment, does not permit rabbis to officiate at interfaith marriages. It is true that many Conservative synagogues are examining this position, including my home synagogue, Ohev Shalom in Wallingford, PA. My words reflect my personal thinking and not an official position of Beth Sholom, Dover.
Naturally, I would prefer that Jews marry Jews, because providing a Jewish home is the best way to ensure that the wonderful tradition of Judaism is passed down to future generations, although that is not always the outcome of an in-marriage. As we have seen, Jewish children do marry out, the exception being among the Orthodox. And marrying out does not have to be the end of the world. In my congregation, some of our most devoted and active members are married to non-Jews. In my own family, RABBIS’ VOICES Each month, Rabbi Peter H. Grumbacher, along with rabbis from around the state, answer your questions about Judaism. Have a question? ASK THE RABBI! Send your questions to: AskTheRabbi@ShalomDel.org
I have a non- Jewish son-in-law who is totally supportive of my grandchildren’s Jewish upbringing. It is my feeling that refusing to do intermarriages and then going out of one’s way to extend a warm welcome to the synagogue for the newly-married couple is a bit hypocritical.
What is important to me is the effect of intermarriage on the next generation. If the non-Jewish partner agrees to learn about Judaism and to agree to maintaining a Jewish home and raising Jewish children, then I believe an important goal will be accomplished. I would encourage the non Jew to learn about Judaism, by attending classes like a Taste of Judaism, or taking some other Jewish instruction, and by celebrating Jewish holidays and Shabbat with the fiance(e) before the marriage. The couple should be encouraged to attend services together, make Shabbat together, and participate in the social life of their congregation before they marry.
In the past, many people assumed that joining a synagogue was expected of a Jew. Accordingly, pressure was put on the non-Jew to convert before marriage. And in many cases that worked, and Judaism took. But that choice may have been more expedient than a statement of conviction.
Choosing to be Jewish should be a joyful choice, and I would hope that non-Jewish spouses might, in time, elect to take that path. We need more Jewish homes, more Jewish children, and more enthusiastic Jews.
In my 52 years as a rabbi I have officiated at one interfaith wedding. Why that one? Because I was lied to; I was told the groom was Jewish, though I had my suspicions. Were I beginning my rabbinate today, I would seriously consider changing my position. Simply put, there are very few Reform congregations that would hire a rabbi who doesn’t! It would be a matter of parnasah, “bread and butter,” as it were. But I am not starting anew. My decision was based on another reality of the day . . . my father fought to defeat Nazism; my People—our People—and my religion— our religion—were on the brink of disappearing altogether.
I understand my mission to be doing what I can to keep our People and Judaism alive and, hopefully, meaningful enough to pass to the next generation. I’m not saying that mixed marriages guarantee the demise of Jews in that family-to-be; I’ve seen many families very dedicated to living a Jewish life even if one parent is not Jewish. Truth be told, it is often the non-Jewish parent who emphasizes the need for continuity of faith and folk; who sees to it that the children are enrolled in religious school; and who her/himself immerses in that Jewish life even if no conversion takes place.
28 But there is no guarantee that will occur.I have been consistent in my position. I’ve said “no” to members of my Board across the years . . . even presidents . . . so they know I am not playing favorites. Has my position been the correct one? Trust me, across the years I’ve asked myself that question virtually weekly. I know colleagues who have loved the children they’ve watched grow and even changed their position because they felt they could not turn them down, hoping what they learned will lead them to establish a Jewish family. I’m not knocking that at all.
That’s why I’ve questioned my position. But I have known for a fact that there have been those very “children” who respected me for my stand and understood it. Believe me, not all, not most. Nevertheless, the continuity of Jews, especially in this time in history, is most important to me.
